I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so let's talk penis.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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