you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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