i already hear my dad disowning me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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