For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize