i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm determined to sit on that face.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
