They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
