I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
