I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
