i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
