he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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