one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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