guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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