yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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