smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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