he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just forgot I was standing up.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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