I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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