New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
