he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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