Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
