So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
