well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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