i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
