don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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