I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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