watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
