My liver just broke up with me...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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