Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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