She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
