I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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