I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I didn't notice because vodka
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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