people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
