he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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