Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
