getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
