I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
