Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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