I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
