Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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