By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My brain says no but my pants say off.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize