There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
