I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
