I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
