Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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