It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
