I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
