I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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