I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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