the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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