hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
