i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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