I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
