I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
