Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize