I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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