Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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