I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
