Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
