Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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