I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
