dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
