explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
