How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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