pop tarts are not kleenex
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
